Sibling Sexual Abuse: Breaking the Silence
Over the past two weeks, I attended two conferences focused on child sexual abuse (CSA) and harmful sexual behaviour (HSB): Reshaping the Conversation with the National Centre for Action on Child Sexual Abuse in Brisbane, and the Kids First Australia National CSA and HSB Conference in Melbourne. Across both events, which featured a wide range of expert speakers, practitioners, and advocates, one thing stood out to me—they don’t say sibling sexual abuse (SSA) much, do they?
It felt so at odds with the international peer support groups and advocacy organisations I contribute to. One specifically for SSA survivor peer support created by EmpowerSurvivors has around 1000 members, and we know that SSA is what we experienced. SS Harm and SS Trauma are referred to often, too. Rarely, we call it incest – that’s kind of dirty to most SSA people, although IncestAware’s founder shares it is the most searched for term to describe intrafamilial sexual abuse on the web; and HSB just feels like a ‘sit down in that corner and wait your turn to speak’.
While topics of CSA, HSB, and online harms were addressed in detail, at the first conference in Brisbane, Reshaping the Conversation, SSA came up during questions I raised, drawing attention to the unique and pervasive harm of SSA. A fellow attendee spoke about the impact of CSA on intimacy, noting how rarely this topic is discussed. A researching criminologist asked what’s the impact on intimacy. I responded, acknowledging what I learned and have heard from others. Other lived experience people said ‘thank you’ for saying what I did about SSA, sex, intimacy and pleasure. I went home to my apartment, shrunk into a vulnerable mess, cried, watched ‘Woman of the Hour’, cried, then watched a rom-com about arranged marriages!
By the time I reached the second conference in Melbourne, Kids First Australia’s National CSA and HSB Conference, I was looking forward to a session fully focused on SSA, as were other people buying Resolve from our exhibitor table during the break.
Thanks to Carol Ronken, lead researcher at Bravehearts and a professional highly regarded for her contributions to this field, her presentation was titled “Responding to Sibling Sexual Harm: An Emerging Concern?” I knew from a conversation the week earlier that Carol refers to it as SSH. Either way, that mention felt validating but raised a question, too. Why is SSA still being framed as an “emerging concern” when it has been around for generations?
As Karen Flanagan AM, National Executive Director, Therapeutic Services – Australian Childhood Foundation, said in the final panel discussion of the conference, “I was writing about sibling incest 40 years ago.” Her words resonated deeply. Forty years ago, I was 19, still living at home; the dirty secret of the abuse was held inside me, shrouded in shame, guilt and self-blame. My brother’s final requests to ‘play those games we used to play’ stopped when I was 14.
At the conference my chest felt heavy with tears rising, I gulped around a lump in my throat at that thought. At 19, people were raising sibling sexual abuse as a serious issue and making recommendations! I still hadn’t spoken of it then – I didn’t feel safe to say the words; I wouldn’t have known who to speak them to. Imagine if those papers were read and actions had come from them back then? I still just felt dirty and bad after being dismissed by the priest when I was ten. And that is just me. How many others felt the same then and across four decades until now?
For my fellow survivor-author-advocate-activist buddies on the mailing list, look her up. She’s written several papers. What’s the chance that Karen had only returned to doing this work two weeks before the conference and that Carol had bravely chosen to speak about the subject at that same conference, and me being there – synchronicity! Here are two of Karen’s PDFs I downloaded: The Challenges of Managing and Responding to Sibling Sexual Abuse and Working with Sibling Incest: Maintaining the Balance.
For SSA to still be viewed as an emerging concern for Australia in 2024, with just one researcher putting her hand up to speak about it as comprehensively as she could on a national stage, I could only wonder, What has the delay been about?
The first word that came to mind was ‘fear’. What are Australian leaders and policymakers afraid of? Is it family shame and societal fear, entrenched misogyny, or the old shadow of patriarchy? Maybe some were the ones who harmed? It’s such a common kind of abuse that it is very possible. My brother became a policeman—control and power were important to him; other advocates have shared that their brothers hold powerful positions in government, professional services, or their communities. Or is it what came up a few times: where the funding goes, attention goes?
It isn’t the educators, healthcare workers, social workers, and others working in child protection who have an issue with it – they wanted to know about SSA from a lived experience perspective. I sold plenty of copies of Resolve over all the days, had loads of relaxed conversations about it, and they were happy to hear that I am available to answer any questions that come up or to have a conversation with their people in person or via Zoom. I hope they take me up on it and don’t fall silent.
The Reality of Silence and the Need for Change
SSA has often been overshadowed by adult-to-child intrafamilial abuse, even though studies suggest it may be three to five times more common than that form of abuse within families. Yet SSA remains shrouded in silence, confined under the broader term HSB or subsumed within CSA discussions. For those of us who have lived through it, SSA is not just another form of HSB; it is a distinct experience, often marked by a profound sense of betrayal and isolation.
It’s Hard to Explain the Silence
There’s secrecy, the dark secret from the day the abuse begins. Secrecy surrounds you like a shroud, an invisibility cloak, worn on the inside because no one sees you in those years. They see the outside of you, but not your wounded, scared, confused heart, mind, and soul. We look like ourselves mostly, but not if you look in our eyes, watch our vigilance, wonder at why we startle, tack along close behind you so we don’t get left at home when you’re out. Dawdle our way out of the school yard to shorten the time at home in the afternoon. That’s just the silence when the abuse is happening.
In our teen years, numbing becomes the silencer; we act out, but neither we nor others can piece together why. Then, as adults, until we disclose, that silence remains. When we finally do disclose, depending on the outcome, silence may still pervade. For years, less than ten people knew of my experience outside of my family of origin. I kept the silence to prevent cracking open, to protect myself from falling apart or from being judged.
In my 50s, I finally wrote Resolve, yet still felt shaky saying the words “incest” or “my brother abused me.” Silence feels like many little packages. In Resolve, I talk about the “little baggies of tears” we release as we heal. The same goes for silence.
Global Community
I remember writing to Jane Epstein, co-founder of 5Waves.org, when Resolve was released in 2023 and sharing my earlier vision of me starting a foundation specifically for SSA survivors. But over the years of writing and healing, I realised my place could be simply to co-create and contribute, to be one voice, not the voice. I’d gladly lead or guide the way, though—my CEO days are not that far behind me—I just don’t need to own it.
Yesterday I debriefed with an advocate, a mother of siblings affected by SSA, with whom I often collaborate. While she and I come to this from different perspectives—she as a mother, me as an adult survivor—I deeply appreciate her efforts. Based in the USA, I’m not certain whether this includes Australia, but she shared that a recent scoping review showed 91 studies on SSA published between 1979 and 2023—that’s just two per year. With the prevalence of SSA, how can it still be treated as an afterthought?
She also pointed out that there are significant gaps in SSA research. We need studies that focus on actionable, under-explored topics, such as whether outcomes are better if children live separately after disclosure or remain in the same household, and research specifically addressing male survivors and the distinct needs they may have.
Belief, Justice and Support
Robert Fitzgerald, a key figure from Australia’s Royal Commission, reminded us that disclosure does not stand alone. It requires belief, justice, and support. This trinity speaks to the heart of what SSA survivors need. For those of us who carry the memories of abuse, whether disclosed or hidden, our journey to healing depends on finding someone who believes us. It depends on a justice system that values our voices as much as it values the voices of adults. And it depends on receiving support that acknowledges the complexities of family dynamics and the depth of our pain.
As Fitzgerald shared his earlier experience in law, there was a time when “women were to be believed less than men, and children were to be believed less than women.” Are those same forces of disbelief and dismissal that Robert Fitzgerald spoke of keeping SSA in the shadows – as the hidden taboo? That mindset can be changed so that SSA survivors are released from the burden of shame, guilt, and self-blame and start their path to healing sooner.
The Path Forward
Seeing SSA in the program at the Kids First Conference was a small step toward recognition, but it’s time for a much bigger leap. Let’s be like the UK, USA and Canada and push for SSA and its ensuing trauma to be treated as the widespread, life-long issue that it is. SSA has a long shadow of repercussions on important areas of our lives, so let’s gather our resources and innovative spirit, and lead by being brave enough to name it, fund it, and provide SSA survivors with the focused long-term support they need.
If we can do this, we’ll be making strides not only for SSA survivors but for all those affected, who need to know that they’re also not alone, that this thing is so common, and that they are believed.
A Call to Action: For those reading, please consider sharing the YouTube video that Carol Ronken shared with us at the conference – it is available on the SARSAS Support YouTube channel along with other helpful resources. For survivors and allies, it hits home. It’s addressing professionals but I found in my writing and healing that reading what people are talking about at that level was so helpful to me to see ‘me’ even more than I would have otherwise wanted to. So take care of yourself. I felt quite emotional, seeing Carol Brooks, another survivor advocate from the UK appearing on the screen.
I do feel it needs to be shared widely.
You can help spread awareness. Let’s bring it in front of the public eye, where it belongs. Please don’t hesitate to reach out via the Get In Touch form on my website if you have ideas, or answers to any of the questions – I’m not a degree qualified expert, I am a lived experience survivor, who immersed myself in trying to understand all I can that will help others like me. The more you immerse yourself, the more curious you become, and curiosity is something all of us have to tap into, towards making positive change.
Feel welcome to also check out the Help that is available on the Need Support page.
Shared with love,
Alice
