Understanding cPTSD: A Survivor’s Journey
What is cPTSD?
Complex PTSD (cPTSD) arises from prolonged or repeated exposure to trauma, particularly in childhood. Unlike typical PTSD, which is often linked to a single event, cPTSD is a response to ongoing trauma, such as childhood sexual abuse (CSA) or, in my case, sibling sexual abuse (SSA).
I’ll refer to CSA and SSA throughout rather than focusing solely on SSA. I am also conscious of feedback from readers of Resolve that anyone who experienced childhood trauma, whether sexual or not, could benefit from what is shared there. Discussing cPTSD offers a universally helpful message, and I hope what I share here today will resonate with you or help you take your next step towards recovery.
Our Internal ON/OFF Switch
The sexual abuse we experienced as children, delivered by another person within our own home, leaves us switched ON, in an overactive state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Home is a place where every child should feel safe and trusted—not ON, or sexualised, or at risk of harm. Sadly, we can only see that in hindsight. I wish we could reach in and extract that child from the circumstances of their victimisation. Unfortunately, they stayed, and it was what it was. That’s just the reality of living as children in a home where sexual abuse is pervasive on a daily or weekly basis for years.
I now see how the ON/OFF switch in me was managed unconsciously but also intuitively. Vigilant; I’d sense whether it was safe to walk into the house, into the kitchen, or sit on a couch. I had to be match-fit, ready for exit where I could, to manage myself and often avoid risk. That’s not what childhood was meant to be like.
We also get to look back and wonder about our parents—how could the adults in our family have no idea? If we felt it, how could they not pick up on the electrical currents vibrating throughout every room of their house and through some or all of their children? Understanding this condition is vital for survivors and their loved ones as they navigate their healing journeys. I believe it is also crucial for parents now and in the future to know that this kind of abuse could be happening right under their noses.
The Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse
According to Dr. Steven Levenkron, childhood sexual abuse profoundly affects personality development, leading to various outcomes, including the development of coping mechanisms that further damage the victim. He notes in his book Stolen Tomorrows: “The moment a child is abused, with no one to tell about it, is the moment she understands there is no one to protect her.” This awareness often results in feelings of helplessness and self-blame.
You may or may not be aware of your symptoms and that they fall under the diagnosis of cPTSD. I had no idea that was what was happening within me for decades beyond the time the abuse ended. It was a feeling that I was awkward and different from others. I’d be on edge and uncomfortable. I felt the shame of the abuse, but I hadn’t connected the dots to see I was one of those people I’d heard about who had complex PTSD.
Learning this from my GP was shocking at first, but I eventually felt relief in understanding it wasn’t just me. It was due to the trauma and the repeat traumas that survivors of sibling sexual abuse endure, especially in how our parents and family of origin manage ourselves, not so well, after disclosure.
My mother once said, “Life is not always a bed of roses.” When she said that, it was during a tough moment for her. Now, I would say life is a beautiful bed of roses; you’ve just got to live a little more consciously and try not to be pricked too many times by the thorns.
Symptoms of cPTSD
Survivors of cPTSD often experience a range of symptoms that affect their daily lives and relationships. These can include:
- Loss of self-esteem and self-worth: Survivors may struggle with their sense of identity and value.
- Feeling unsafe: A lingering sense of vulnerability often persists, impacting everyday interactions.
- Hypervigilance: Survivors may remain in a state of heightened awareness, always on guard for potential threats.
- Promiscuity and intimacy issues: Difficulties in forming healthy relationships can stem from earlier trauma.
- Depression: Feelings of sadness and hopelessness may overshadow daily life.
When I was researching for Resolve, I encountered lists like this, feeling a cold knowing wash over me. I’d bite my lip and think, “Geez, yes, I get it. I see that. I know it.” How come I hadn’t pieced it all together? But now I have.
It’s taken time, and now I know it. I sense the feelings in me and can verbalise them, pause, and check in with myself about what’s on my radar—what’s making me feel this way right now. Then it passes. The depression still shocks me at how quickly I can spiral down into dark thoughts. I can’t pretend that doesn’t happen. Yet, I observe that first dark thought and think, “Woah, here she goes!” I may slip a little more but catch myself before I slip too far.
Practicing self-awareness and being able to self-observe more often—and sooner—is a way to remind myself to pause longer, put my work away, get out in nature, take a swim in the salt water, look up, and see what’s good in the world.
The Weight of Shame: A Companion to cPTSD
Shame is a pervasive emotion experienced by many survivors of childhood trauma, and it often coexists with cPTSD. As Helen B. Lewis notes in Shame and Guilt in Neurosis (New York: International University Press, 1971), shame encapsulates feelings of humiliation and inadequacy, which can be particularly damaging for those with a history of abuse.
Survivors may grapple with the following feelings:
- Alienated
- Hurt
- Powerless
- Bizarre
- Inadequate
- Rebuffed
- Defeated
- Ineffectual
- Rejected
These emotions can exacerbate the symptoms of cPTSD, leading to further isolation and a struggle to reclaim one’s identity. The shame associated with being a victim can reinforce the belief that the survivor was somehow responsible for the abuse or that they deserve the pain they experienced.
Post-Traumatic Growth or Post-Traumatic Pain
In the evolution of the Resolve manuscript, I found Dr. J.A. Kottler’s work compelling. In his book Change, Kottler emphasises that healing is not just an individual effort but involves acknowledging these feelings and understanding their origins. He pointed out, “You will otherwise be in post-traumatic growth or post-traumatic pain.” By confronting the weight of shame and recognising its role in the trauma narrative, survivors can begin to untangle themselves from these debilitating emotions and move toward healing. This duality reinforces the importance of understanding the effects of trauma on oneself and the environment around them.
Moving Toward Recovery
Acknowledging the complexities of cPTSD is an important step toward recovery. It involves confronting painful experiences, embracing vulnerability, and building resilience.
- Recognise Your Feelings: Understand that experiencing shame, guilt, and sadness is part of the healing process.
- Seek Support: Engage with therapists who specialise in trauma or join support groups where you can share your experiences without judgment.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate your feelings and remember that recovery will take time. It is not linear, but you will become better at self-observing and hopefully more curious—a coaching skill I used within my own healing journey that helped me see what was possible.
See the Support page for links to some helpful resources and peer support groups that I found after writing Resolve, which I am a member of now, and I find that the groups are well-moderated. Click Here
Honouring Your Human Experience
Recovering from cPTSD is a deeply personal journey. It may not always be easy, but it is possible. As survivors, we can reclaim our stories and create our unique or eclectic paths toward healing. Remember, you are not alone in this journey; there is hope for a brighter tomorrow.
The Path of Post-Traumatic Growth
While we must acknowledge cPTSD, it’s empowering to consider that healing is not only about overcoming pain; it can also lead to deep, lasting personal growth. As Dr. Kottler explains, “the journey through trauma can inspire individuals to find new strengths, redefine their identities, and develop a deeper appreciation for life.”
In conclusion, acknowledging the realities of cPTSD is crucial, but it’s equally important to explore the possibilities of post-traumatic growth. By embracing both the pain and the potential for transformation, survivors can embark on a journey toward healing that honours their past and opens doors to a fulfilling future.
Shared with love,
Alice Perle
