The Persecutor Within: Unraveling Family Dynamics

How Trauma Responses Shape Roles in Dysfunctional Families

In families marked by sibling sexual abuse (SSA), complex dynamics often emerge, with individuals adopting roles that perpetuate cycles of harm. Understanding these roles and the underlying trauma responses is crucial for healing and breaking free from destructive patterns.

Family Dynamics Beyond the Time of Abuse

At 25, I disclosed, and I won’t spoil it here if you’ve not read Resolve yet. Within a week, I was being told to not say another thing. Fear crept in for others in our family. Fear of my brother. He was a cop at the time (that’s not in Resolve). For others, the reality was that they didn’t know what he’d do if he heard us talking about it, because ‘he’s got a gun’. So control played a part in our family dynamics from then on. I fell silent, outside of my relationship with my husband. I still see this as such a controlling moment that was going to continue long-term in our family.

Zoom through to many years later, just as I’d handed over the keys to my company’s front door to new owners, and I get a group message:

‘Thank god you’ve finished with that; now we’ve got you back.’
Back where?
Not just one but many little statements like that, sarcastic jabs, and I would find myself clenching my teeth, going cold, my stomach flips, thinking Never, no one gets me back, I’m not going back or backward.

I’d just released my title of CEO, we had tickets to fly away for a long trip, my mind was open to possibilities.

Then another message:

‘You’re being talked about on the gossip train.’
What’s a gossip train?
The gossip was about my own small family, and it upset me that people were talking behind our backs. The response?
‘But you know it’s only because we love you.’
I responded, ‘No, it’s dirty gossip. Don’t talk about my family—talk about your own.’

That was before therapy yet after years of leadership and personal development

From there, I landed back in a wary relationship but consciously trying not to get pulled back into controlling ways of relating. I felt thankful that in my leadership and personal growth over the years before, I had changed. Families who aren’t changing often don’t like us to change, or worse, are scared that we’ll leave them behind. Something to think about.

I have spent some time this past week seeing what all of that (above) is about. Here’s what I’m seeing and I’d love to hear from you via the website if it makes sense, or is relatable.

The Drama Triangle and Family Roles

The Drama Triangle, conceptualised by Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 1960s, outlines three roles, Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, that all human beings default to, unconsciously, in conflict situations (Karpman Drama Triangle Official Site). In the context of SSA, harm perpetuated within the space of our own home, a space that was meant to be safe, the secrecy and threats, ingrain these roles deeply. And it doesn’t stop in childhood. This pattern of behaviour and interaction follows us into adulthood.

One will take the Rescuer role, one will feel a sense of Victimhood, and another will Persecute. All in different ways. And what’s more, each of us can rotate through all three roles—sometimes within minutes.

Here are some of the Persecutor Personas we go to when we fall into that role. I share this in my facilitations. We also explore a similar group of personas when playing the Victim (victimhood mindset, not trauma victim) and Rescuer roles.

We all have one or two go-to responses (personas) when defaulting to drama:

The DDT Persecutor Personas

From Victim to Persecutor: A Complex Transition

It’s not uncommon for individuals who have been victimised to later assume the role of the Persecutor.

This shift can be a coping mechanism, a way to regain a sense of control after experiencing helplessness. However, this perpetuates the cycle of abuse, as the once-victimised individual now inflicts harm on others. This isn’t about sexual harm, or it might be, but not in our family’s circumstances.

It’s the kind of harm that crushes already low self-esteem into dust, sarcasm in place of humour, invisible deep bruises punched with a few nasty words, just as we begin to build self-confidence. Much of that persecution, I believe, stems from deep shame, guilt, and self-blame, and also fear, no matter where one sits in the family dynamic.

Many victims of abuse can become confused by the dynamics within their families, particularly regarding the person who takes on the role of the persecutor. This individual often spends a considerable amount of time gossiping and casting blame on others, framing us as the ones who are persecuting them simply because we are trying to break the silence and shame surrounding the situation.

As I reflect on this, I realise that the persecutor can quickly switch roles to become the rescuer, attempting to save the rest of the family from perceived threats. If that role fails to gain them the desired attention or control, they may shift again to the victim role. However, they consistently revert to the persecutor role, where they feel the safest and most in control.

None of us have been given lessons in how to replace this mindset of victimhood for an empowered response – it’s generational, and making the shift takes conscious practice.

Breaking the Cycle

Once you come to see it for what it is, the good news is that it’s easy to do something about it. The key? Someone chooses to be ready to change in how they choose to participate in the game of drama.

Awareness and making the conscious shift in how we’re participating in that game of drama are key to disrupting these destructive patterns. Therapeutic approaches that address trauma responses and family dynamics can help individuals understand their roles and develop healthier ways of interacting (GoodTherapy: Breaking the Cycle of Family Dysfunction).

Choosing to Ask Ourselves Different Kinds of Questions

For me, learning this and applying it to my life and work has been incredibly powerful. It has helped me set boundaries, step away from drama perpetuated by others, and focus on what is important. Sometimes our inner critic will whisper ‘but you should try harder to fix things. Be the grown up here’ We need to stop that kind of inner critic rhetoric, I believe, when the whole family system is damaged at its core.

So, on the other hand, when that voice whispers, I sit quietly, breathe, look up and ask, what am I focused on? The problem, the uncomfortable emotions that are attached to that, or an outcome I really want? What is it that’s incredibly empowering and helpful, for myself, my young family and grandchildren? Do I really believe I will get that if only I am reaching out to fix things that are deeply ingrained? Will that ever really bring me what I want? Especially when family members are living in denial, secrecy and silence.

What are your thoughts on this? I’d love to hear.

Shared with love,

Alice

Community News:

Express Your Interest: Would you like to explore how the Drama Triangle shows up for you, and how you can shift to its healthy antidote, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED*) way of operating and communicating?

Blue Borage (the host of the new Conversation Cafés) is seeking expressions of interest from those affected by SSA: survivors, parents, partners, family members and professionals working with families and survivors, or those in child-related fields to participate in a facilitated pilot program.

Visit Blue Borage’s website (www.blueborage.com.au) and express your interest using their contact form. This six-to-ten-person facilitated program will help you see, model or break free from destructive patterns and learn lifelong tools for personal and familial growth.

It Starts With Us

It’s never too late to understand the patterns we were raised in and make the choice to break them. The Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer cycle can be transformed. I know, because I’ve lived it.

If this resonates with you, let’s start the conversation, and we can do the work together.