You Are Part of This Too, Mom
In preparation for a podcast in December, I was asked if I could locate the section of Dr. Maté’s book I refer to in Chapter 10 of Resolve, under the sub-heading “Abandonment and Me.” In Resolve, I mention listening to the audiobook. That was in 2021. I was reading and listening to all I could in my writing of Resolve, or so I thought. I had no idea I was also reading what I needed to hear and learn for myself, and my continuing healing journey.
So today, I dug around in the paperback and, thankfully, found the passage easily enough. I’d forgotten that it was part of a full case study, not just a single word that stood out. Reading it again today, it feels fitting as the topic of this week’s blog.
In When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress (2019), Dr. Gabor Maté explores the connection between suppressed trauma, unexpressed emotions, and the body’s physical manifestations of illness. In Chapter Six, “You Are Part of This Too, Mom,” Dr. Maté recounts the story of Barbara Ellen, a sensitive, intelligent woman facing terminal cancer. During her final months, Barbara’s repressed anger began surfacing in ways she hadn’t expressed before—mostly directed at her mother, with whom she had a strained relationship. Barbara attempted to set boundaries with her mother by expressing exhaustion and frustration, but her feelings emerged as anger, often without the underlying reasons being fully articulated.
Dr. Maté suggests that Barbara’s suffering, both physical and emotional, was deeply rooted in “emotional abandonment” by her mother, who, overwhelmed by her own struggles and societal expectations, was unable to provide Barbara with the emotional safety she needed. The chapter goes deeper than that one generation of trauma. While Barbara herself may not have consciously named this abandonment, her unexpressed pain took the form of anger in her final months, leaving her mother, Betty, bewildered and hurt. Dr. Maté’s conversations with Betty, after her daughter passed away, reveal how Barbara, in protecting her mother by concealing her own pain for much of her life, ultimately turned her anger inward. There was a pattern of family members numbing their repressed anger and pain through addiction, and the cost of Barbara’s unprocessed trauma may be that it contributed to the cancer that ended her life.
Listening to the chapter back in 2021, I recall all my senses switching on – I felt like I was not hearing a new story. The theme of the intergenerational relationships, and goings on, were relatable. Listening to Dr. Maté’s words in the audiobook felt like uncovering a truth I hadn’t fully grasped. The word “abandonment” reverberated through me when I heard it spoken, touching a long-buried part of my own experience. It had remained unnamed until that moment. I realised that I, too, had carried the weight of unspoken pain and had often shielded my mother from uncomfortable truths about my experiences to avoid family conflict. This internalised role of protector, coupled with the absence of emotional support, mirrored the dynamic Dr. Maté described. In our family, the intergenerational message was just as real as it was in Betty and Barbara’s lives.
The experience of sibling sexual abuse in my childhood left me feeling isolated and unprotected. As I attempted an adult disclosure of this trauma with my mother—ultimately unsuccessfully—I recognised how my mother’s silence and inability to see my pain had already left a mark. That disclosure and the ensuing silence that followed deepened the wound, which continued to ache for years. My journey to acknowledge this abandonment began with that moment in the car, hearing Dr. Maté’s words. It was a chilling yet liberating experience—a powerful recognition of the wound I had carried silently for so long. In 2019 when I decided to write Resolve, I hadn’t fully explored therapy. I didn’t have any idea about all the dots I was going to connect that related to the trauma, and how our family had operated across multiple generations. There were many big A’ha moments that arose for me because I decided to write my story. Healing this took time, but it came.
We are incredibly resilient beings, walking the path of healing with the courage to face whatever emerges. With love and resolve, we take each step forward, acknowledging what we need to so we can finally leave it behind.
Dr. Maté’s chapter reminded me that unaddressed trauma can ripple through generations, passing down emotional patterns unless we consciously break the cycle. The concept of “abandonment” is not just about physical absence; it’s the subtle, sometimes unconscious choice to prioritise maintaining peace over acknowledging pain, a choice that leaves children to grapple with their wounds alone. Dr. Maté’s work inspired me to face this uncomfortable truth, not only to understand my past but to prevent this cycle from impacting my own family.
If you’d like to read the section that resonated deeply with me that day, here is an extract from Dr. Maté’s book, Chapter Six: You Are Part of This Too, Mom.
If you have read Resolve, and it resonated with you, or you find it insightful, please consider leaving a Review or star rating on Amazon, Audible, or on Goodreads. All of these help bring Resolve to the attention of others seeking to understand sibling sexual abuse, or to feel less alone, to feel seen, and to see what healing is all about.
Thank you for being here today. I’m sharing a new page added to my website titled ‘Be The Change’ for those of you who have already read Resolve or even if you are still wondering whether you will. We had these postcards created for the Conference in Melbourne however they got delayed in delivery so I’ve got to make use of them somewhere! Here seems like the perfect place.
