What REALLY keeps me from writing is…
The Hay House Writing Community program journal prompt was: “What REALLY keeps me from writing is…”.
First, I laughed because I’d answered this prompt two journalling exercises ago. Again? Hay House wanted us to own our writer’s journey. So I sat with this prompt, set a timer and wrote in a stream of consciousness for seven minutes in my journal without lifting my pen from the page:
What REALLY keeps me from writing is I go off with distractions. My inner thought is self-doubt. I get uncomfortable and find something else to do that’s easier on my heart and mind. I want it to be a flowing read and I’m not sure I can do that. I started editing, and Mel said don’t. I know I’ve changed my thinking though, about all kinds of things, not only the words and the layout, but they don’t feel right to me. I struggle with it being in the computer not on paper, so it overwhelms me trying to move chapters, paragraphs and words around. I wonder if I’ve doubled up, got repetitive. I’m growing too, with my own understandings of the change in me pieces. I am changing, my point of view is changing, and the book may not keep up with those changes. I need help with this! I want what I publish to be the final version of me as at the time of release, not outdated already like so much of the research was. Rather than regurgitate or plagiarise I want to make the read truly helpful and I don’t like that I’ve got lots of other referenced words there now, not clearly defined, nor tied to my own story of my own experience. When I do sit with an interesting fact though, and try to tap into how that relates to me, it isn’t a fun thing to stay with too long. But if I don’t stay with it, that will make me feel like the book is words not emotions, no deep meaning. I’ll feel like I failed. I keep seeing and hearing those thoughts and emotions that will help – I just don’t know how to pull it all together. I can nearly see how it will all fit but I freeze up and put it away. I have created a spreadsheet of what was there early last year, of the researchers and referenced words, ready to get their permission, and that’s now outdated. So frustrating! I moved things around so it will mix me up. I am what really keeps me from writing! I’d like to breathe the new words from me into it and I am going to find someone to help me when I’m finished this next edit. I panic I’m wasting time, that I should be doing something to earn money, to pull my weight in the income. I know that’s the old me feeling responsibility and guilt. In my heart and soul I know this is really valuable healing work for me. The lessons I’m learning in saying all of this – someone else will also have felt that and didn’t go ahead to disclose, to talk, to seek help. I need to believe its value not just for me and my family but 100,000s of others who need to feel they’re not alone and can start to release the shame.
From Alice’s handwritten journal notes in 2021 to clarify her vision for writing a memoir.
Looking back at those real reasons, it felt like I was on a roller coaster that year. I don’t like roller coasters. They scare me to death!
I’d had the initial structural edit and created the reference list. I sent the manuscript to two beta readers and received positive feedback and helpful tips. Then I began tearing that manuscript apart, by myself, knowing inside that how the book flowed wasn’t right. Words no longer held meaning because I realised some of what was there had been me digging into my own soul to comprehend my childhood experience and the repercussions that came from the abuse. I now understood that and could change how I expressed my point of view. I was venting and some was me writing my own experience out in long hand – there was way too much detail to be a worthy ready. There were scrambled and incomplete thoughts. To others, it may not look that way, but to me it was not good enough!
The best thing though was that the words were out of me. That part was feeling good however I knew it was not a book I would publish in the form that it was that year. I was OK with that knowledge. It made me look at how I could do better.
In all, Resolve had around 25 edits from March 2019 to March 2023.
I can now put my hand on the cover of the book and feel that it’s a damn good result of a whole lot of effort, thousands of hours, discipline, determination and willingness to keep opening up to what words I needed to express that I’d not yet shared. The benefit of registering with the Hay House Writer’s Community and committing to completing all the assignments…
I don’t know where Resolve would have been now if I had not had that as part of my writing journey.
The links for where you may purchase Resolve are via my website. Making it easy no matter which country you are in – you can find the Amazon link for your store there. You may also purchase Resolve directly from me via my website. All copies sold directly, help me as a self-publisher. The funds allow me to print more copies and to get them out to organisations that can share Resolve as a resource for those who will benefit from the read.
