‘The fear that is holding me back the most is…’
The Hay House Writing Community program journal prompt was: “The fear that is holding me back the most is…”. I set a timer and wrote in a stream of consciousness for seven minutes in my journal without lifting my pen from the page. Exploring the fears took me in a few directions. It was worth it, even if it was not a pleasant journalling exercise that day:
The fear that is holding me back the most is can I really pull a book together that is read-worthy and sought after? Can I write a book that will have people talk as I want it to do?
Will I have the guts to share more than a surface-level impression of my experience? The editor asked me a few times to explain parts at a deeper level – can I, what will that do if I do, or what will I create if I don’t go deeper? I don’t want to make things up, and if I can’t find what that deeper stuff is, does that make this book not good enough?
What if writing has repercussions I haven’t expected? What if my family of origin’s weak links become torn apart forever? How about my brother’s reaction, stable or otherwise? The fear has been there all along within the family about that. Fear caused the silence to be the family rule in the first place. Was I naive, maybe he is dangerous, but then he wouldn’t want his profession to hear what he did, and he asked family not to speak about me to his new wife, so I think not?
The fear that is holding me back the most is I will be open to being looked at differently. People won’t know what to say. Other survivors will have already done this so well, will my book really be worth putting out there? Will I be able to get my message across and keep people reading? Will Mum change her mind and not really support me, was that ever true that she would, probably not? Will people think I’m stuck back there or judge me, not see the good purpose at all. Will people talk and I’ll be isolated, be that family, friends or otherwise. Will I finish it promptly enough to close this exploring of the past. Will I ever be able to close the doors on it again now I’ve opened them so wide and for so long. It has been hard keeping those doors wider open for too long. I feel unsettled by it. What if it makes me become sick with stress? Will it be worth finishing or should I just forget it and shove it all back down and close the doors on it now.
From Alice’s handwritten journal notes in 2021 to clarify her vision for writing a memoir.
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