The Bigger Picture of Sibling Sexual Abuse
In 2019 I started wanting to write a book, or a memoir, to share my story. I could not contribute to the silence any longer. Very soon I found I needed to understand the bigger picture of sibling sexual abuse in our society. … and what a bigger picture I saw unfolding the more I read.
When I read that sibling sexual abuse is thought to be the most common form of intrafamilial sexual abuse, or what I knew to be called incest, I practically high-fived myself.
I say that as a recovering survivor. Sometimes, I may say the words ‘happy, elated, or high-five’. I’m no longer shy or shaky when speaking about this topic. Please don’t think I’m disrespecting anyone at another stage of their discovery, disclosure and recovery.
That high-five that day was because I had felt so alone for so long. This was an indication that I was way off the mark with that feeling.
I, we, were not alone at all.
Sexual abuse involving child siblings is thought to be the most common form of intra-familial child sexual abuse, perhaps up to three or five times as common as sexual abuse of a child by a parent.
Peter Yates & Stuart Allardyce in Sibling Sexual Abuse: a knowledge and practice overview, January 2021
When digging around to find research or organisational reports from those people working in this field, sibling sexual abuse got only a brief mention, or it was interwoven with child sexual abuse. There appeared to be some distance to go in building out the complete picture of this most common form of intra-familial child sexual abuse.
Statistics are a best estimate too given that head-count comes down to disclosures and reporting of abuse.
Yes, most often, the responsibility or courage to disclose the abuse falls into the hands of the abuse victim – in childhood, or adolescence or as an adult survivor. In everything I read I didn’t find mention of abusers stepping forward to say: ‘hey let’s speak with our parents about what I did’; or ‘shall we ask mum to get us in to see someone so I can be helped, and stop doing this to you’.
Given its impact on the whole family structure, it is very common for survivors not to have disclosed the abuse, at least not until adulthood. A lot of what I read indicated it’d be 20-30 years after the abuse ended that a disclosure may occur. Unfortunately, sometimes the memories are repressed and, if they are not repressed, may never be disclosed for a survivor’s entire lifetime. I often hear women in their 60s-70s saying, ‘It’s too late to do anything about it’. My disclosure didn’t go very well twice, and another two times it did.
In my opinion, the misplaced shame, guilt, and self-blame loaded onto the victim’s shoulders is cruel.
Having endured and survived been sexually abused well before they should have been sexualised, let alone by a family member, how is it that we also are the ones getting told to ‘say no’ or ‘speak up’.
It is the way of it, for now, and organisations are working hard to raise awareness about sibling sexual abuse. Yet, how cruel that one or more parents, other siblings, the abuser, and society sit back and put that burden on the child who was abused! On top of which, expecting them to then preferably shut up about it, as it’s so shameful for everyone. Then there’s another expectation to keep being interested in planning family gatherings. Oh, and showing up for family gatherings, where their abuser and enablers are seated at the table!
It is so unfair, but it is the reality of the situation.
Maybe RESOLVE will contribute towards leading change in that respect and more disclosures will come about because of it.
Outdated material
Back when I began researching in 2019, the other thing I found, aside from sibling sexual abuse not getting its research focus, was that what was collated in the annual reports was a decade or more old. Whilst it was necessary and relevant information for me, I’d shifted towards interweaving my recollections of childhood with relevant research and information from psychotherapists who work with survivors, and I knew I couldn’t do that well if the information were stale.
It was challenging to find more current information until I was working on the drafts with the editors in 2022. This book took many edits, and many versions. It was still open for anything that was a worthy read to be added or swapped in, whilst other older material got swapped out.
A researcher I was emailing back and forth with, one day sent me links to current papers. These came from her fellow researchers. Incredible people from the Center for Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse, Lucy Faithful Foundation and Stop It! Now UK and Ireland are leaders in this field. There were many enlightening definitions, validations and conclusions in those papers. The one that caught my attention was that there needed to be more data gathered to aid in building a prevention model.
That showed me where survivors’ stories would also help.
If we cannot change what happened to us, couldn’t we start conversations? We can inform change that would prevent sibling sexual abuse from happening to children of current and future generations? Sharing what I can to inform planning and models being developed was added to my mission.
Sharing our stories can help these prevention models be implemented sooner. That’s one very actionable step any survivor can take.
I saw that knowing it is likely the last thing on many survivors’ minds. The stories held inside of us are poisonous. Releasing whatever story is our unique story onto paper, confidentially through therapy, is one healthy option. Anonymously, an interview with a researcher is something I’m doing often now, too. It turns our lived experiences into something good and valuable to others. We can help paint a brighter picture for the future. That’s something good that goes beyond ourselves.
I know how vulnerable and scary it feels to do so. I get that.
Sometimes I wanted to not just burn an old version of the manuscript. A fire ritual I did to release words written that would not make the final manuscript. I felt intense fear at times that could have made me stop writing and burn the lot! But I didn’t. I’m so glad now that I kept writing.
Saying the words ‘I was sexually abused by my brother’ used to make my legs feel shaky and empty. It made my throat dry. I wanted to crawl into a corner thinking I’m less than the person I’m speaking with. I felt guilty and dirty; how could I have let this happen to me?
It became easier through healing and reading all I could get my hands on. The book also evolved out of curiosity – I added in that I needed to understand my parents and grandparents – how could this have happened in our family. That served me too, and I found compassion for those people and their own traumas and own experiences of life. So, connecting the dots of my family history helped.
RESOLVE: a story of courage, healthy inquiry and recovery from sibling sexual abuse is my story. I wrote it under a pen name for legal, risk and privacy reasons – you’ll find another blog post discussing that if the pen name is something you’d like to understand.
It took me journeying back to the first memory to take one final walk through my life to where I am today. In reality, I went through my life hundreds of times before I put the final full stop on the page. I needed to keep moving forward. Then one day I was ready to go to design and publishing. In 2023 I set Resolve free to do whatever good it can.
Shared with love,
Alice Perle
Resolve: A Story of Courage, Healthy Inquiry and Recovery from Sibling Sexual Abuse is now available globally. Libraries and bookstores can order copies. Please follow me on Instagram and Facebook. The audiobook is now also available via over 50 audiobook sites.
We aware that the content of this website and RESOLVE may be triggering. You will find a short list of incredible organisations you can reach out to under the SUPPORT tab for help.
