Family Dynamics and Boundaries: Navigating Relationships After Disclosure
When I disclosed my abuse to my mother at the age of 25, I had no idea how deeply it would affect my relationship with my family of origin.
What I thought might be a step toward something better, healthier, and good for us as a family quickly slipped away in a moment of shock and betrayal. My mother denied my experience outright, telling me that I was lying. My father, though upset and angry at what my brother had done, still didn’t have the skills to communicate or lead in any way. No one knew how to manage it, or what to say or do about it.
There were no real helplines we could have reached out to, to ask for advice. The heavy blanket of shame, guilt and self-blame that I’d been shrouded in since I was eight years old, whooshed out and then landed heavily to smother all of us during that time. We continued to function as a family, the silence now a heavy presence in every gathering, a quiet agreement to never speak of the abuse.
That silence was again broken four years later when my brother’s young son approached my daughter. In that instant, the flood of memories came rushing back to me. Images like an old black-and-white film filled the screen, the movie screen that had always been behind my eyes, is how I call it, only for me to watch. I saw my brother’s approaches, touches, hurt, doors closing, the fear, the times of days, of moments where he stalked and then captured me. I realised then that protecting my four-year-old daughter and new baby girl was my highest priority, and I would never allow my brother to be near them again.
The Choice to Go No Contact
This led to a difficult but necessary decision to go no contact with my brother, an action that would fracture my family dynamics even further. It wasn’t easy. My mother saw me as the one “breaking up” or “ruining everything” for the family. I was the one with the problem, causing disruption and be guilt-tripping me into “getting over it”. But I stood firm, determined to protect myself and my children from further harm. Although stepping away from certain family gatherings and the facade of “happy family” moments was painful, it was essential for safety. Healing wasn’t yet on my radar.
Navigating Family Dynamics After Disclosure
For many survivors of sibling sexual abuse, navigating family dynamics after disclosure is one of the most challenging aspects of the healing process. Family members may not understand or may choose to deny the abuse, which can leave the survivor feeling abandoned and unsupported. As was my experience, the pressure to maintain the illusion of a happy family can be suffocating, even when that illusion is built on years of silence, denial, and avoidance.
But protecting yourself and setting boundaries is not just an act of self-care. It’s an important step in reclaiming your life.
For those of us who have disclosed abuse, it is common to face difficult choices around whether or not to maintain relationships with certain family members. Sometimes, like in my case, the abuser is still part of family gatherings, which can make it necessary to set clear and firm boundaries. For others, the dynamics might involve family members who continue to minimise or dismiss the abuse, making the healing journey even more isolating.
Setting Boundaries for Your Healing
Establishing boundaries can be uncomfortable, especially when faced with a family that prefers to brush things under the rug. But boundaries are essential to your well-being, and they are not up for negotiation. Whether it’s deciding to go no contact with the abuser, choosing not to attend family events where they’ll be present, or limiting conversations with family members who don’t respect your experience—these are your decisions to make, and they should be made based on what you need to heal.
If you’re worried about being guilt-tripped or pressured into compromising your boundaries, remind yourself that your well-being comes first. Your healing is a priority, and no one has the right to dictate how you navigate it. There will likely be family members who try to convince you to “move on” or “keep the peace” for the sake of the family, but these are their needs—not yours. You are allowed to choose your path, and if that path means protecting yourself from further harm, then so be it.
Healing Isn’t Always Collective: Acknowledging Individual Journeys
As much as we may wish for family healing and reconciliation, sometimes it’s not possible, at least not in the ways we imagine. Dr Steven Levenkron, a psychotherapist I’ve referenced in Resolve, has worked extensively with female survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I recall coming across his words, which I’ll paraphrase here, as how rare it is for families affected by sibling sexual abuse to stay together long-term after disclosure. It is a painful reality to accept, but it is important to recognise that healing often happens on an individual level first.
For me, staying away from family gatherings for a time was necessary. The thought of sitting in a room with my brother after all that had transpired was unbearable. And while the other women in my family continued to maintain the facade of a “happy family” by staying connected to him, I knew that I needed to take a different path. My healing depended on it.
Severing of ties or finding ways to remain connected
However, I have also seen that healing doesn’t have to mean a complete severing of ties with everyone in your family. I found ways to stay connected with my father and younger brother that didn’t involve pretending everything was okay. It wasn’t full of deep and meaningful conversations – and the abuse was only ever spoken of late into a night when we were so numbed with too much alcohol that we couldn’t recall what was said as we nursed our sore heads the next day. I see it now as we had united in our resolve not to fake that we were a “happy family”; our values, sadness over our childhood reality, and our love and care for each other and the young children in our family were strong.
It’s important to understand that each person in the family may respond differently to the disclosure, and not everyone will be on the same page when it comes to acknowledging the abuse or moving forward. That’s okay.
A Two-Way Street: How Families Can Support Survivors
Since writing Resolve, and setting it free, I’ve spent much of my time in the company of advocate parents and survivors. Then there are leaders in the field, like social worker and researcher Stuart Allardyce, Director of Stop It Now UK, who are working solidly to deliver prevention, intervention and holistic family therapy tools for those who come across families like mine. Listening to Stuart speak on the Daniel Morcombe Foundation’s webinar in July this year, I started not to block the idea of the whole family healing. Saying that, I mean for other families now.
Finding Your Own Way To Create A Healthier Future
As Steven Levenkron shared, our family-of-origin has not stayed together long term. We all love our intimate partners, our children, their loved ones, and grandchildren, within our own small family units now. Dad passed away ten years ago, and Mum is connected to each of our small family units separately. It feels like the healthiest outcome for all of us, accepting that this is where our lack of ability to deal with the abuse, silence, the disclosures, and all the rest has brought us.
It is important for families to recognise that healing is not just about the survivor’s journey—it’s about shifting the dynamics within the family as a whole. Family members who want to be part of the healing process need to understand the importance of supporting the survivor’s boundaries and respecting their choices, even if those choices are difficult to accept. Stuart’s closing words resonated with me, that were about not catastrophising cases of sibling sexual abuse, but instead if we can acknowledge that sibling sexual abuse is so common, there are so many other survivors, abusers, and parents and siblings of those who were harmed who are going through this, we can hopefully shift our attention to what we all want.
What is the bigger outcome all of us really want, not what we don’t want or what we think we ‘should’ want? Focus on what we do want that is meaningful and important to us and not on the problem.
What Do We Really Want?
For parents, especially, this can be a time to reflect on how the family operated in the past. Intergenerational trauma, poor communication, and unspoken family rules may have contributed to a dynamic that allowed abuse to go unnoticed or unaddressed. But now, there is an opportunity to model change, to be the one who takes the lead to break the cycle of silence and denial. It’s a two-way street—survivors can set their boundaries, but families can also take proactive steps toward healing by addressing their own behaviours and seeking out new, healthier ways to communicate.
Final Thoughts
Navigating family dynamics and setting boundaries after disclosure is not an easy process, but it is essential for our healing and well-being. Whether we choose to go no contact with the abuser or find ways to maintain certain relationships with other family members, remember that we have the right to protect ourselves and our children. Healing may look different for everyone, and that’s okay.
Your journey is yours, and you get to decide who and what is part of it.
For families, it’s an invitation to change. To let go of the past patterns that may have allowed the abuse to happen in the first place, and to step into a new way of being together—one that prioritises open communication, respect for boundaries, and a commitment to healing.
Whether healing happens together or individually, creating a healthier future beyond the silence is possible.
Shared with love,
Alice
Calls to action for those who are unsure what you can do with regard to the bigger picture of sibling sexual abuse in our society:
- Read and absorb: I encourage you to fully engage with the content of “Resolve,” take notes, and allow its insights and reflections to resonate with you.
- Leave a review: If “Resolve” resonated with you or provided valuable insights, consider leaving a review on Amazon or other online platforms, like Audible and GoodReads. Your feedback helps amplify the message and reach other survivors and advocates who may benefit from this resource.
- Share and discuss: Pass the book on to others or use it as a conversation starter to raise awareness and foster dialogue about sibling sexual abuse in various settings, such as family gatherings, schools, universities, community events, or professional meetings. On Audible, you can use your credits to gift Resolve to someone else – check first that they use Audible. Resolve is also available to listen to on Spotify. Free as part of a Premium account!
- Advocate and educate: Take proactive steps in advocating for broader awareness and support for survivors by requesting copies of “Resolve” for libraries or educational institutions, thereby expanding its reach and impact.
- Engage and empower: I encourage you to connect with me on social media platforms via the links in the header of my website (above) for ongoing support, resources, and discussions related to sibling sexual abuse and personal empowerment.
- Invite me to speak on your podcast, radio show, in person or virtually (if not in Australia) at your school, workplace, or event to educate others about the impact of sibling sexual abuse and how we can support survivors.
