Breaking Generational Silence: Let’s Start Talking About What Matters

“It’s in how conversations are had that makes or breaks a family.”

For many of us, healthy conversations weren’t a natural part of growing up.

Whether in a home where sibling sexual abuse (SSA) occurred or not, communication patterns are often generational.

Many of us were told:

• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Don’t speak unless spoken to.
• Eat everything on your plate; no talking at the dinner table.

Some parents carried stress so heavily that silence felt safer than speaking. Conversations were transactional—task-oriented—rather than opportunities for connection. Others avoided conversation altogether, their unspoken emotions bubbling just beneath the surface, leaving family members bracing for the moment they might erupt.

In my own home, silence was expected—and I obeyed. But that silence didn’t protect me; it kept me trapped.

I didn’t just run away from my brother’s first approach; I ran and hid behind my grandmother in her sewing room. But I didn’t tell her what he asked me. I was too scared of being in trouble. I had seen what happened when my older brother was dragged down the back stairs by his ear and had his mouth washed out with soap for speaking out of turn.

So, I stayed silent.

And because I stayed silent, the abuse started and continued long-term.

Looking back, it’s heartbreaking to think of a little girl navigating years of being stalked, trapped, and overpowered, all while feeling like she had no one to tell.

Layer on Top of that Societal Silence and Ignorance

Generational silence isn’t just something within our own family. In my research for the book, I realized that there is a much deeper silence surrounding the topic of ‘sibling sexual abuse’ than I initially expected. This made me search harder and harder for references online. Societal silence and ignorance are such big villains in the life of a survivor! However, looking at that with compassion, society consists of people, many of whom are navigating life just as we and our families always have.

What can we do with that knowledge now?

We’ve lived it. We’ve witnessed it. The silence is inside of us. The silence is in society.

It’s time to break the pattern.

Finding Our Voice & Relearning Communication

If we’ve grown up in silence, conversation itself can feel like a threat. It’s natural to freeze, retreat, or react in unhealthy ways when confronted with difficult topics. But what if we began to work on understanding our own stress responses in conversations?

What if we started practising saying words out loud—breaking the generational silence in safe environments first?

Writing Resolve was my way of starting a conversation. In the pages of Resolve, I share my personal story, and I also include research — brief sections of insight intended to prompt reflection and discussion among readers. They were insights that helped me believe it wasn’t just me, see that it wasn’t my fault, and so much more that I hadn’t any idea was trauma-related until I chose to look at it to write a book!

I’ve been told that just having a copy of Resolve, whether on a coffee table or a bookshelf, has sparked unexpected conversations. One reader mentioned that seeing it on her coffee table, even from the corner of her eye, encouraged her to initiate a difficult conversation and helped her stay calm throughout.

“What’s that you’re reading?”
“That happened to me too.”
“My aunt, my mum, my sister—she went through something like that.”

Conversations that otherwise would never have been had.

Imagine what Resolve could do within your home, community centre, team staff room, medical or other form of therapeutic, professional practice or as a resource on your website or intranet. What if you shared on socials about it, or in your newsletter? Imagine if Resolve helped someone feel: it’s not just me…

Conversations Change Everything

The conversations themselves aren’t easy to begin with I fully understand that. But silence is also not easy.

If you were raised in a home where talking about feelings or speaking at all, was discouraged or outright punished, or where being shouted out was an expected response to a simple question, then even opening your mouth can feel impossible.

That’s why I started to explore how I could change, to acknowledge how I was relating to others, and even how I spoke to myself.

I didn’t start this process early on. It was in my mid-50s when my adult children were moving out, returning, and then leaving again. I was feeling burned out after selling my company and was in the midst of studying and launching two new businesses. Experiencing symptoms of peri-menopause, I decided to write my trauma story as a way to release it from my body. How the hell do we navigate all of that like a beautiful beacon of fr*cking light! What was I thinking!! I made it, though, I’m here, and everyone is still alive and well. Therapy has been needed by more than one of us, we acknowledge generational trauma is a reality, and we talk about it together now. The world feels like a much calmer place to be in our little house on the hill.

I knew I had to take responsibility and understand myself first.

I had to learn a new way of communicating and being because I do know that while we cannot change anyone else, we can choose to practice and then model healthier communication.

All of us can set boundaries on what we will and won’t talk about, what we will and won’t accept.

This is why I believe in two models: the one I deliver in my day job as a coach and facilitator, and one I have added to the Blue Borage Conversation Café events.

As the facilitator of the Blue Borage Conversation Café Series, I reflected on what makes conversations safe and meaningful. A framework I’ve used in my facilitation work before is the Conversation Café Agreements. They are six simple yet powerful principles that can transform how we communicate:

1. Open-Mindedness – Listen and respect all points of view.
2. Acceptance – Suspend judgment as best you can.
3. Curiosity – Seek to understand rather than persuade.
4. Discovery – Question assumptions and look for new insights.
5. Sincerity – Speak from your heart and personal experience.
6. Brevity – Go for honesty and depth—without going on and on.

In the first ten minutes of each Conversation Café event, we ask all participants to read these six agreements and to show their agreement by way of a reaction or raise of the hand. It’s subtle, but I see it as we move through the agenda. They get it. It feels good to be in these vulnerable and validating conversations with a set of conscious guidelines.

What if, outside of that safe space for courageous conversations, we took a deep breath and reminded ourselves of these agreements before engaging in conversation? Imagine if we shared these conversation agreements with people we care about or stuck them to our fridge door as a reminder they are something we are trying to practice.

What if we asked ourselves:

• Who am I being in this conversation?
• Am I reacting from historical stress?
• Can I rise up, breathe, and guide this conversation in a way that supports both myself and those I love?

Breaking Generational Trauma

Healthy conversations are about connection, understanding, love, empathy, creativity, and a focus on what we do want—not what we don’t want. So much of what we experienced in families like mine was focused on fear and guilt rather than any of the six agreements.

I learned in my trauma-informed coach certification that trauma isn’t just about what happened to us, it’s about what lives within us, sometimes going back eight generations.

Studies in epigenetics show that unprocessed trauma can be inherited, influencing stress responses and emotional patterns. Research shared by the Centre for Healing describes a study where rats, conditioned to associate cherry blossom scent with electric shocks, passed down that fear response for multiple generations—even though their offspring never experienced the trauma firsthand. In human families, these inherited responses can shape everything from anxiety and avoidance to communication patterns (generational silence).

One powerful story tells of a woman who experienced panic attacks when stepping into a shower, later discovering her grandmother had survived Nazi concentration camps. Without prior knowledge of her ancestry, her body carried a response passed down through generations.

Understanding that trauma can be inherited helps us see that silence isn’t just a personal choice—it’s a generational survival mechanism. And just as trauma can be passed down, so can healing and growth.

When we change the way we speak to ourselves and others, we are breaking generational patterns.

We need to be kind to ourselves, and kind to others—because they’re carrying similar, sometimes invisible, burdens too. When we listen with an open heart, we create space for others to do the same.

With love and commitment to breaking the silence,
Alice Perle

Resolve: A Story of Courage, Healthy Inquiry, and Recovery from Sibling Sexual Abuse

by Alice Perle (the origin of the word ‘pearl’) is available worldwide. I hope you will pick up a copy or multiple copies to share from any online book store, library or local store or download the audiobook (available on 50 audio platforms, including Audible and Spotify Premium). If your local, school or university library or local store does not hold a copy, they can order it for you.

After you’ve absorbed what I’ve written, you are welcome to reach out and book me in for a conversation. Whether that conversation is with yourself alone, your partner, your family, your practice, work team or even at an event or conference. These conversations matter, and I’m honoured to be part of them.

At the same time, my therapist reminded me the last few times I saw her: “You need to start seeing your time, experience, and skills as valuable.” That stayed with me because, like so many advocates and survivors, I was giving so much of my time away for free. Now, it’s time to value myself a little more.

So, while I continue to offer support and guidance, there is now a sliding range of charges for these bookings—reflecting both accessibility and the value of the work I do.

Breaking generational and societal silence is possible. Every conversation can be life-changing. One conversation at a time.