From Silence to Stories: How Memoirs Are Changing the Conversation on Sibling Sexual Abuse

Each of us thought we were alone.

We knew incest and sibling incest existed, but no one ever talked about sibling sexual abuse and harm. It was a silence wrapped in shame, guilt, and self-blame—a silence that extended to how our families managed (or didn’t manage) this devastating reality. Families often didn’t know what to do because, honestly, they likely had no idea what to do, because no one spoke about it… they also felt like they were alone.

And so, the survivors carried the silence into adulthood until one day, each of us—myself, Diane Tarantini, Jane Epstein, and Maria Socolof—decided to break it.

We wrote memoirs. Not quickly or easily, but over years of reflection, courage, and painstaking effort. We did that thinking alone, that we were the one who was writing ‘the’ first memoir in recent times. Yet all four of us were doing it across the same years – if only we knew each other then. Now we do.

Now, more like Deb Aldrick, a fellow Australian advocate, and many others, are gathering beside us on the same path, and memoirs are being published across the globe. Perhaps that is one good thing that Covid-times may have catalysed.

Writing memoirs about the darkest secrets of our lives—the hidden taboo of sibling sexual abuse and harm—was an incredible act of risk and bravery. We exposed ourselves, revisited painful memories, and kept to our task of telling the truth about something society has buried deeply.

These memoirs were acts of self-love and healing, and they aren’t just about us or our families’ pasts. They are tools for advocacy, education, and change. They shine a light on what’s been hidden for too long and serve as bridges to conversations that were once unimaginable.

Memoirs as Tools for Change

Each memoir—mine (Resolve), Jane Epstein’s (I Feel Real Guilty), Diane Tarantini’s (Everyone Was Silent), and Maria Socolof’s (The Invisible Key)—serves a larger mission. These books are:

• Guides for Mental Health Practitioners: Offering insights into the lasting impact of sibling sexual abuse and practical takeaways for supporting survivors.
• Resources for Social Workers and Educators: Helping identify signs, address harm, and build supportive environments for children.
• Essential Reading for Families and Loved Ones: Raising awareness for safe, healthy boundaries for our children, within the home, not just ‘stranger danger’, and navigating the complex emotions surrounding sibling sexual abuse.

These memoirs invite readers to join the conversation—say the words out loud together, not just to listen, type or read, or emoji, a question in a peer group on FB, but to ask questions, share stories, and take action.

An Example of Questions That Spark Reflection

In preparation for the Blue Borage Conversation Café series, yesterday I asked the other authors if there was one question you would love to be asked about your memoir, your life, or your lived experience. So we may include one of those kinds of questions as we move forward.

That led me to reflect on my own memoir as well as the notes I jotted down when reading the paperbacks I purchased from Diane and Jane. Today, I ordered the paperback of Maria’s book – I have listened to Maria narrate her audiobook, but I want to take notes to prepare for her focus session. I’ll share my thoughts on questions for Maria in a blog before her event comes up in March.

Below are question ideas I have for each of us.

The question ideas about Resolve and me, come from some of the longer reviews posted about Resolve on Amazon. There are so many questions that can be asked to understand this form of abuse and trauma better. What rich, real and transformative conversations we will continue to have with readers, other lived experience people, allies, researchers and advocates in the safe space of the Conversation Cafe!

Questions Ideas for Alice (from Resolve):

1. How did you find the courage to revisit your childhood experiences and make sense of them through writing?
2. What advice would you offer to others about taking that first step toward healing?
3. How has understanding the broader societal picture of sibling sexual abuse informed your advocacy and healing journey?
4. How do you navigate the emotions tied to early betrayals by those you trusted to protect you?
5. What message of hope would you share with survivors just beginning their journey toward recovery?
6. What was the most surprising discovery about yourself while writing Resolve?
7. How has sharing your story publicly changed the way you view your past?
8. You describe yourself as a “work-in-progress.” How do you embrace that identity in your daily life?
9. What coping mechanisms were most effective for you in reclaiming your sense of self?
10. What steps can families and allies take to better support survivors of sibling sexual abuse?

Questions for Jane from my reading notes (from I Feel Real Guilty):

1. How did your father’s treatment of you, both as a child and later in life, shape the way you perceived your self-worth and relationships?
2. You’ve shared that you didn’t fully confront your abuse until years of couples therapy brought it to the surface. How did holding onto the silence affect your mental and emotional health?
3. What role did faith play in your journey toward self-acceptance and healing?
4. You describe a period of hypersexuality, substance use, and working as a stripper in your 20s. How did these experiences connect to your trauma, and how did you begin to reclaim your power from them?
5. When your brother apologised to you, it must have been a pivotal moment. How did that confession impact your journey toward understanding and healing?
6. Writing can be both cathartic and triggering. What was the most challenging part of writing I Feel Real Guilty, and how did the process help you heal?
7. How did you begin to listen to your younger self, and what advice would you give to others struggling to do the same?
8. Taking the TEDx stage must have been a powerful moment for you. What drove you to share your story so publicly, and what response from the audience has stayed with you the most?
9. What would you say to survivors who are afraid to share their stories?
10. What changes do you hope to see in how society addresses sibling sexual abuse?

Questions for Diane, also from my reading notes (from Everyone Was Silent):

1. How has uncovering generational trauma shaped your understanding of your experiences and influenced your memoir?
2. You described writing letters as part of your journey. Can you share more about how this practice helped you process your experiences and advocate for yourself?
3. What needs to change in how families and professionals address sibling sexual abuse and harmful sibling behaviours?
4. The phrase “It happens in all families” was repeated in your story. How do we combat this normalisation and denial in family systems and society?
5. How has forgiveness—or the lack thereof—played a role in your healing journey?
6. How do you approach balancing self-compassion with the complexities of sharing painful family truths?
7. What would you say to survivors navigating a family system that fails to acknowledge their pain?
8. What role did faith, creativity, or other sources of meaning play in your healing?
9. Looking back, what do you wish someone had said or done for you during those moments of harm and betrayal?
10. What advice would you give to families or professionals who suspect sibling sexual abuse is occurring?

Join the Conversation

These questions are just the beginning. If you are a survivor, mental health practitioner, social worker, educator, researcher, or family member seeking to understand more about sibling sexual abuse and harm, these memoirs are for you.

If you have read the memoirs already and haven’t yet placed a rating or review, you may or may not see it the same way as authors and advocates do, but leaving a rating and review is a form of advocating – we all can contribute by a simple act. I’ve said it before: ratings and reviews matter; they help the books stay seen by new curious readers who are seeking resources or books that will help them too. For example, Resolve appears on Amazon, and it’s often shown beside a popular US book written by Brad Watts: They’ll see people who bought this book, also bought this one… So please consider jotting down a review, head to Amazon or any other bookstore or Goodreads, paste the words in – and click submit!

The Blue Borage Conversation Café series continues with individual author spotlights from February to May. Meanwhile, the Conversation Cafe’s UK Connection series has been launched, to run in tandem with the initial series, bringing all four authors together for even deeper, global conversations. The UK series starts at the end of February continuing until June.

Let me know if we will see you there.

👉 Reserve Your Spot at one or all of the Conversation Café events: EventBrite Collection
👉 Bring the Conversation Café Series to your conference or event: www.blueborage.com.au

Shared with love,

Alice