Forgiveness Through Repairing: A New Perspective
One of the most common questions I’ve been asked by those who haven’t experienced abuse is, “Have you forgiven your abuser?”
Forgiveness, especially in the context of something as traumatic as sexual abuse, is complex and multi-layered. For years, I carried the weight of this question like a boulder on my chest, wondering if it was something I had to achieve in order to truly heal. Forgiveness is such a central theme in many religious traditions, including the Catholic faith in which I was raised. It was ingrained in me from a young age that forgiving was necessary for redemption, for moving forward, and even for being a “good person.” But when it comes to forgiving your abuser, is it really that simple?
Dr. Scott Eilers’ words on forgiveness resonated deeply with me during my healing journey. He says:
“Has anyone ever told you where the ‘forgive’ button is located in your brain? No? It’s probably because there isn’t one… If you say that you forgive someone, but your feelings don’t change, have you actually forgiven them? And, as we know, you don’t get to choose your feelings. They’re outcomes of interactions of processes. So how do you actually forgive? I’ve only found one way. I forgive by repairing.”
This reframing helped me understand that forgiveness doesn’t have to come at the beginning of healing—it can be the result of having done the work to repair the damage done in your life. Once you’ve taken the steps to mend what was broken within yourself, forgiveness becomes less about absolving the abuser and more about freeing yourself from the emotional grip they’ve had on you.
And here’s the liberating part:
Forgiveness is a choice. It’s okay not to forgive. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. What matters most is your own healing, and that might or might not include forgiving the person who hurt you.
As psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb says:
“You can have compassion without forgiving. There are many ways to move on, and pretending to feel a certain way isn’t one of them.”
This speaks to the heart of what many survivors grapple with. Forgiveness is often seen as the “right” thing to do, but it doesn’t always fit into everyone’s healing process. You don’t have to pretend you’re ready to forgive if you’re not.
In my own healing journey, I came to understand forgiveness in a way that didn’t carry the religious weight I grew up with. Instead of forgiving my brother outright, I began by forgiving myself for the misplaced guilt, shame, and self-blame I had carried for years. I worked to repair my inner self, recognising that this process was not about him—it was about me.
Why Resolve?
The title of my memoir, Resolve, was a deliberate choice. According to the dictionary, resolve is defined as:
“a firm determination to do something,” and also “to settle or find a solution to a problem or contentious matter.”
Both meanings reflect my journey.
From the time I was a child, I carried the resolve to stand up for myself, even when I was repeatedly told to stay silent. That resolve started when I found the courage to confess to a priest about the abuse. I was shut down—told to “stop it myself”—but that didn’t stop my determination. I kept pushing forward, refusing to stay silent, even when the people around me chose to ignore my pain.
My resolve has been my anchor, guiding me through years of recovery, therapy, and personal growth. It’s been the force that has kept me from accepting the unacceptable. It’s what led me to share my story in Resolve, to name the abuse for what it was, and to find my way back to a life of authenticity and peace.
As Dr. Scott Eilers says:
“I’ve found it impossible to forgive until I can repair. I think forgiveness happens near the end of moving on, not at the beginning. And, by the way, it’s okay not to forgive. It should always be your choice.”
Resolve is my story of standing up, again and again, for what is right—for myself and for others. It’s the strength that helped me navigate the healing process and find my voice, even when the world around me remained silent.
Journaling Prompt: What Is Your Resolve?
In your own healing, what does resolve mean to you? Take some time to reflect on the following prompts in your journal:
- What would it look like for you to repair the damage caused by the abuse, even if your abuser never acknowledges what they did?
- How does forgiveness fit into your own healing journey? Is it something you want to pursue, or do you feel you can move forward without it?
- Write a letter to yourself, forgiving yourself for any misplaced guilt, shame, or self-blame you may be carrying. What would it look like to release these feelings, even if you never forgive your abuser?
- Think about the term “resolve.” What are you resolving to do for yourself in your healing? How can this resolve empower you as you continue your journey?
I thank you for being here. I hope that sharing my reflection on self-compassion and personal growth will be of value to you and your journey of healing or you as one of the beautiful allies or advocates of those survivors who are working their way towards thriving.
I’ll close out with my simple list of calls to action, whilst you might still be reflecting on this thing we call forgiveness and on your resolve:
- Purchase a copy of “Resolve” today and start your journey towards healing and empowerment. It’s available in all formats, on all online stores internationally. Good news! Resolve is starting to appear on the shelves of brick-and-mortar bookstores!
- Share “Resolve” with someone you know who may benefit from its insights and perspectives.
- Recommend “Resolve” to your local bookstore, library, school, or community organisation to increase awareness and support for survivors of sibling sexual abuse.
- Invite me to speak at your school, workplace, or event to educate others about the impact of sibling sexual abuse and how we can support survivors.
- Leave a review: If “Resolve” resonated with you or provided valuable insights, consider leaving a review on Amazon, Audible, Goodreads or other online platforms. The links to these are on my website. Your feedback helps amplify the message and reach other survivors and advocates who may benefit from this resource.
Please take care and know that you are not alone. Reach out any time via my website’s Get In Touch page or via my social media profiles.
With love,
Alice
