Reclamation and Focus: Pinning Down Our Past Through Descansos
Hello, if you’re new to the blog, thank you for being here. I’m Alice Perle, the author of Resolve. I write a weekly article that can be read via the website or subscribed to.
Today, I invite you to join me on a journey through the concept of descansos. Descansos is a term introduced to me by renowned author Clarissa Pinkola Estes. When I first read Clarissa’s words they resonated and stayed with me whilst writing Resolve.
I was preparing to be the guest on a podcast this week and wrote out some notes, including this introduction:
My Brother Cut Off My Path
I made it to my eighth year of childhood – I was a quiet, creative, cat-loving, doll-party-hosting, cup cake making little girl when my older brother cut off that little girls’ path and sent me down another one. He made an approach at my grandmas one day. I knew what he was asking was wrong and I took off like the roadrunner, to sit beside my grandma sewing at her machine, but I didn’t open my mouth. I was scared I’d get into trouble just because we did get into trouble for sins fairly easily.
I thought much later about that roadrunner and the words ‘if he catches you you’re through’. Either way I was caught. Whether I’d stayed and did what he asked, or ran, he knew that my silence meant he’d caught me anyway.
The next few years were about being stalked, being captured, in the afternoon when I walked in the hallway from school, the middle of the night, at my grandmothers, or great aunts, or in our holiday flat, or any afternoon when mum went out and left him in charge with a ‘you do what Darryl tells you, or there will be trouble’, that gave me the shivers.
Alice Perle
Thinking about that little girl’s path reminded me again of the significance of descansos in our lives.
The Power of Descansos
If you’ve ever been on a road trip with the picturesque landscape flashing by, you may recall passing one or a cluster of little white crosses by the roadside. In Southern Colorado or Arizona, these are called descansos—markers of lives interrupted by tragedy and loss.
From Women Who Run With The Wolves:
Women’s rage often comes from their family of origin situation, and sometimes it comes from adult trauma too, but that is less common. For instance, a woman who has had a mate who has been tremendously abusive, that is less common because usually women who have not been abused as children will not stay for a minute with a mate who abuses them, so the adult trauma is less common.
However, regardless of where the trauma occurs, something has to happen to recognise it, to bless it, to contain it and to leave it.
Clarissa Pinkola-Estes, author.
I read the words ‘from their family of origin situation’, and it caught my attention. She’s talking about me I thought.
Then Clarissa went on to say:
Now understand me, women have died a thousand deaths before they’re 20 years old. They have gone in this direction and been cut off. They have gone in that direction and been cut off. They’ve had this hope which has been cut off, and they’ve had that dream which has been cut off. Yes, all that’s grist for the mill. That has to do with individualisation and differentiation and growing up and growing out and blossoming, and becoming awake and aware and conscious.
That is all true, but it is also a tragedy, and it has to be recognised as such.
Descansos is where you take a look at your life. You see where the small deaths, la petite mort, and the big deaths, la grande mort, are. You see where they have been, and you mark them with a cross. I like to get a very big sheet of paper and make a time graph of a woman’s life. Together, we mark the places along that graph in time. We start from her infancy all the way to the age that she is today. Of where there were roads not taken, or paths that were cut off or ambushes or deaths. Then, to put a little cross on that timeline, every place where there is a place that should have been mourned or still needs to be mourned, and then put in the background, forgotten.
Finding Self-Compassion as a Survivor of CSA or SSA
As child victims and adult survivors of sibling sexual abuse, we encounter countless descansos—moments of betrayal, abandonment, and shattered dreams.
How many crosses would we need if one cross represented a chapter in our story to be mourned. Each cross is a testament to our resilience in the face of adversity.
Forgive A Little, Forget A Little, Love and Create A Lot
Clarissa’s idea that we may pin down, mourn, and put the places in our life map into the background to forget a little gave me hope. No one tells you this stuff when you’re living in the silence of the hidden taboo. I didn’t know if that was possible, but I was willing to believe it could be so for me.
I wrote Resolve as an act of self-love, to let other survivors know they’re not alone and that healing is possible. Writing and healing helped me understand what happened back there, and that also gave me forgiveness, compassion, and respect for my family’s elders.
Self-Observation of Authoring A Memoir on a Tough Topic Like SSA
At times, along that writing journey, I could see that I could stay stuck in the past. It felt dark back there. It was not a pleasant walkthrough. I knew I had to walk back through my life to see what I could recollect and learn from. I didn’t do that walk once. It was hundreds of times across the four years of writing.
Another observation I made was that as I was running towards the book’s release date, it dawned on me that I wasn’t running towards the final finish line. I was running towards a new starting line. At first that got me a little panicked – I wondered at my energy at the time. I let go of the fears of what might be and shifted my focus to the bigger picture of why I wrote the book. That gave me hope, energy, and purpose.
Thankfully, I had a mission and a team of people who guided me forward in healing, loving me, and creating a manuscript that was all that I wanted to share—to set it free, to pin my past to the ground.
I wanted to reclaim my life. Setting myself free has allowed me to express joy, love, and laughter, craft and adventure, and find pleasure. I’ve been able to shift my focus back to delivering programs of personal empowerment as the focused and empowered woman that I am.
Embracing Our Journey
In “Resolve,” I shared my own journey of healing and empowerment. Through therapy, research, and introspection, I confronted the shadows of my past. I explored the depths of my pain, and emerged stronger and calmer than ever before. Writing about trauma is not easy—it requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront the darkest corners of our psyche. Yet, in doing so, we uncover hidden truths, reclaim lost parts of ourselves, and find healing in the act of storytelling.
Finding Meaning in the Darkness
As survivors, we must honour our descansos as symbols of our resilience and strength. By acknowledging our pain and sharing our stories, we break the silence and create space for healing and growth.
Wrap Up
Together, we survivors can embrace our descansos as symbols of our resilience and strength. Let us honour the past, mourn our losses, and forge a path towards healing and wholeness. By supporting one another, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and future generations.
Take care of yourself this week,
Alice
Let me finish this week’s post where my week began. The beautiful words of the podcast host – it was my first appearance since releasing Resolve last year:
Alice Perle is a courageous voice contributing to the growing global conversation about sibling sexual abuse (SSA). Alice is joining me from the Sunshine Coast, of South-East Queensland, Australia.
Alice’s groundbreaking memoir, “Resolve,” is a raw and honest account of her experiences with SSA and its profound impact on her life.
Written with mature wisdom, respect and sensitivity, Resolve is the first memoir of its kind to openly and directly speak about the hidden taboo of sibling sexual abuse in Australia. “Resolve” breaks the silence surrounding SSA and gives voice to the silenced.
Elizabeth Sullivan, CEO of EmpowerSurvivors, USA
